May 5 2022
What we choose to surround ourselves with in life, reflects so much of our inner self. How competent we feel, how safe we feel, our personal style and taste, and what we prioritize as being important.
‘Fitting in’ used to be important to me. I tolerated certain people longer than I should have because I worried how I would be viewed if I severed those relationships. I treasured certain belongings because they had status or carried with them a sign of accomplishment. In truth, they were simply distractions. If people noticed my expensive shoes, or my fancy car, maybe they wouldn't notice the cracks in my smile, or the breaks in my heart.
I realized that I was prioritizing possessions that ultimately had nothing to do with my inner peace or happiness. But those possessions kept people distracted from seeing ‘inside’.
My insecurities pushed me to maintain those deflections in order to traverse through life almost invisible. I didn't want anyone to see past them, and into my eyes. Because the real me wasn't as exciting, or flashy as a fancy car or a pair of $500 shoes.
I finally reached a point where it was important to let go of those possessions, in order to move forward through life with an authenticity I had never felt comfortable with before.
I let go of the need to fit in, and I ditched the unhealthy relationships that held me down. I gave away bags of fancy clothes, I’m selling the fancy house, and I’m selling the fancy car. It has taken me a lifetime to reach a point where I believe who I am…is enough. Ironically, it took being treated poorly for a very long time to emerge a more complete person. It took buying one too many expensive handbags to realize I didn't need any of them. When I lost everything, including my entire family, I was all I had.
So I had to be my own cheerleader,…I had to believe in myself and I had to trust that who I am is enough.
Years ago, If someone asked me where I wanted to be in 10 years I couldn't have answered them. I didn't have a vision because I didn't know what I was capable of achieving. I never had the opportunity to look inward long enough to see who I was, what I liked, or what I dreamed of. I had too much drama in my life from my family, and from the men I chose to be involved with. All those dysfunctional relationships were distractions as well.
My late husband believed in me on so many levels and it would have been fun to grow old together, but life doesn't always give us what we want. Each of us is living a journey, that has the ability to be reflected back onto others as a life’s lesson or simply a ray of hope. Losing a partner in death is horrifically sad. But if I emerge triumphant and find the authenticity I somehow lost along the way….I am inspiring someone else who may be going through the same thing.
So here I sit, in North Idaho, finally selling off the last of my ‘distractions’ that I have carried with me for decades. Surprisingly, I’m okay with that. Most of the time….:)
I can now move forward less encumbered, and embrace a more authentic life. I finally know what I like, what I don't, what is worth my time and what isn't.
I’ve always wanted to live in a forest and be greeted in the morning with squirrels and deer. I now believe in myself enough to make that happen. To build that house from the ground up. And as a bonus….I get moose too.:)
I have learned a lot about myself the past few years, and its hard to believe I didn't know the answers to the most simple questions. But now I do.
I love white chocolate raspberry truffle ice cream.
I love a bed made of bamboo sheets, down comforters and lots of pillows.
The first sip of dark roast coffee in the morning is heavenly.
My favorite color is sage green.
My favorite movie is Field Of Dreams
My favorite scent is tangerine citrus.
My favorite food is tacos.
And as I start building my new house I’ll be able to tell you how many load bearing walls I have, how many pounds of concrete has been poured, and my favorite brand of travertine.
Because I made those decisions.
And I was able to make them because I finally know what I want, who I am and what I’m capable of.
Keep rediscovering yourself. Keep reaching.
And when you feel alone….find your reflection and smile.
You are not alone.
You are limitless.
But that's just my opinion. :)
