November 10 2021
Many situations that occur throughout our lives call on us to utilize a level of detachment. Sometimes it’s to facilitate a final resolve, or to arrive at a less emotional and more pragmatic decision.
Learning to separate ourselves from challenging situations allows us to take a step back and absorb what is really happening. Some people seem to do this with ease…for me personally, it's difficult. I think and react more from my heart than my head. Great quality most of the time…not so much when dealing with more calculated pragmatic souls. At times, my brain reacts from a place of emotion faster than my body can absorb the situation. That’s when things are regrettably said, or perhaps could have been worded differently.
We’ve all done it. It comes from the hurt and pain we are feeling which triggers that immediate response. Had we detached for a bit, and taken the time to sift through the hurt, the mixed signals, and the frustration , there could have been a more composed reaction. I’ll be the first one to admit I don't go through life tightly wound and pristinely composed :)
But I found as I learned the art of detachment,
it also gave me time to separate the issues. If a situation makes me feel emotionally vulnerable, distrusting and defensive, its a pretty good indication there is more than just one issue at play. Take the time to be clear about which issue you are responding to.
I have also learned that if someone doesn't sincerely want a resolve to a situation….you are never going to get it. You can over analyze it, go to therapy over it, jump through all their hoops, say everything they need to hear, talk until you’re blue in the face …..and if that other person doesn't sincerely want resolve….you’re not getting it. It’s best at that point to gather up your self worth and walk away. They don't appreciate the effort you have given them, they have proven they don't respect your time or your feelings, and they will continue to make you ‘work for it’…but it will all be for nothing. That is passive aggressive behavior, and its sole purpose is for them to ‘appear’ as though they are trying to work things through…but they have no intent on ever letting you reach that place of resolve. They only care that they ‘appear’ to have made an effort. That’s also called narcissism.
The art of detachment is a tough lesson to learn. Its pretty easy to detach from your boss at work. It’s not so easy to detach from a loved one, or an entire family as I have had to do. The longer I am on my own, the more I prove to myself how capable I am, and the more I respect myself. Both very new feelings for me, and very empowering. With that comes the realization I cant go back to being disrespected nor would I want to. My family dynamics only work when everyone plays the role they are supposed to and I can no longer play that part anymore.
I found that detachment from my mother has brought me relief, detachment from my son brought me a resigned ‘quiet’ to my heart, which, oddly, brought with it, a degree of peace. That is the place of acceptance I needed to reach in order to move forward without him. Detaching from extended family members didn't move me one way or the other.
The end result will be different with each person. Some detachment will leave you feeling relieved, some may leave you feeling remiss, and other detachments wont affect you much at all.
It is a form of self preservation, that offers a time for reflection and creates a safe space to muddle through the particulars. We all need that.
Relationships are challenging, and I’m finding with each passing year, I become more discerning with the relationships I spend my time on. There are more days behind me than in front of me, and my time becomes more valuable with each passing day. I don't need ‘permission’ to be myself. I don't need everyone to like me. And I don’t jump through hoops to satisfy peoples arrogance anymore. Remember…the way people treat you…is how they feel about you. Period. If they treat you with insignificance….you are insignificant to them. If they treat you disrespectfully….they don't respect you. No one should make time for that in their lives. Ironically..we learn this lesson in life after we have been treated with insignificance and disrespect one too many times. Thankfully, life’s lessons give us insight, and with that, the ability to make changes.
Moving forward my goal is to treasure the friends I hold close to my heart, and try to be as good a friend to them as they are to me. And remind myself to finish every day with gratitude, because there is so much to be grateful for.
Important changes have occurred in my life after successfully wading through all the detachments and reevaluations. I no longer doubt my intelligence, my capability, my integrity or my worth.
Always remember….you are valued.
You may not be everybody’s cup of tea and that’s ok.
Don't waste your time pretending to be someone you aren't, because then the world misses out on the gift of who you really are.
But that’s just my opinion. :)
