December 25 2022
Today marked the fifth Christmas spent on my own after ‘shifts’ in my life pushed me from California to Idaho.
There’s no getting around the fact that it is difficult, and challenging, and lends itself to many soul searching moments.
Those who understand, know that pretending everything is ok when it isn't…doesn't get you very far.
Spending time with other peoples families who have graciously extended an invitation, doesn't replace your own.
I’ve learned the best way to move through those difficult moments is to allow yourself to feel everything and let the day be what it is. If you need to cry…let the tears flow. If you want to pretend it’s just another day and isolate from the surrounding holiday cheer, do that.
This year the difficult moment blindsided me a bit….arriving early on the 23rd of December. We were in the middle of a cold snap, and on this particular day, I woke up to a temperature of 55 degrees in my house, and it was minus 13 degrees outside.
The heat wasn't holding in my house because there are so many windows and the heat pumps were working overtime trying to stay above the negative outside temps.
By 2pm, I had just finished shoveling my driveway for the second time (and my driveway is 700 feet long), three feet of snow and slush, my face was frozen, and my back was begging for a heating pad. You have to stay ahead of the next snowfall to alleviate ice build up, but we had so much snow at that point..there wasn't anywhere to shovel it to.
When I finally went inside …I stood in the living room and looked at my perfectly decorated Christmas tree and dropped to the floor in tears. I was alone, cold, tired, hurting, and heart broken.
It is during those difficult times, when your heart is so exposed, that you have to dig down and rescue yourself. Because no one else is going to. YOU have to pick yourself up off the floor, YOU have to wipe away your own tears, and YOU have to give yourself your own pep talk.
You cannot be a victim to circumstance…..you are pushing through these difficult times for a reason. And you have to blindly trust that reason even when there are no immediate answers.
I decorate the house because I love the Christmas season…but I don't care for the actual day as much. I don't watch Christmas movies, and I don't play Christmas music because I’m not at a place where I can. I will buy myself a few special things, and wrap them up to put under the tree. I raise a glass of champane and toast to what I am grateful for, and with each passing day I know I am getting closer to making the dreams I have…..a reality.
There are more people struggling through the holidays than you may realize. These challenging periods of time will ultimately reveal themselves as steps forward. They can be painful, and difficult, but I believe if your path is more difficult than you anticipated….it is simply because your purpose is greater than you thought. Great things happen when humility is allowed to linger.
Its not about feeling sorry for yourself. You are living a life with the choices you have made. I personally, reached a point in my life where I realized I would rather adjust myself to the absence of the people who hurt me, than adjust my boundaries to accommodate their disrespect.
Life is about paying attention, realizing your self worth, risking everything to make your dreams come true, and being grateful every day...that you were given……another day.
Strength is what we gain from the madness we survive.
And that means…..anything is possible.
But thats just my opinion. :)
