November 21 2021
There are moments in your life when deep, reflective thoughts deserve time and consideration. There are also moments when you just want to acknowledge the gifts and grace life has afforded you in spite of the loses and challenges you have endured.
Today is one of those days.
On September 21 1999 I lost my husband to a massive heart attack. He was 45.
So much life in front of him, and so much love left to share.
Twenty two years later, the place in my heart that he occupied is still empty. However, over decades of healing, the memories that used to bring sadness and an ache to my heart….simple bring a wave of warm and loving memories. And there have been some pretty magical ‘guardian angel’ moments.
I had heard stories from people of guardian angels but never gave them much thought.
In reflecting back over the past two decades since my husbands passing,….I can say unequivocally, they are real. I have learned to listen to ‘that voice’. It’s a nudge or a push from the universe that I have learned to trust.
Often times I don't understand why things happen the way they do, but ultimately the reasons become abundantly clear.
I don't discuss the affirmations with many people because unless they have experienced a similar loss, and they share these similar, unexplainable events, it can be uncomfortable for most to absorb. These ‘guardian angel’ moments happen when you least expect them to…but somehow always when you need them to.
As the years continue to roll by, there have been so many unexplainable moments, 'guardian angel' moments, that reaffirm why I never feel alone.
People ask me why I don't remarry, and wonder why I’m not overwrought with loneliness. There is a difference between being alone, and being lonely. I’m simply alone on this part of my journey. And I’m quite sure there is a reason for that. I don't know what the reason is…but I trust it. And I also trust if there is a knight in shining armor waiting somewhere in my future, there will be a nudge in his direction, when the time is right.
I don't make lists of qualities and attributes a partner needs to have…but I do have ‘preferences’.
I’d prefer he doesn't go to work in a suit and tie…..prefers quiet dinners over noisy restaurants, has a wry sense of humor and a quick wit, and absolutely, positively, must have an affinity for animals. I wont meet him through a dating site, and I wont meet him on a blind date. It will be a ‘look’…a ‘spark’. It will happen when we are both simply doing what we always do….but at that moment in time….our lives collide. Fairytale? Maybe. Maybe not.
My life, as it stands today, is a culmination of decisions made, and most of those decisions were made from nudges in the universe that I surrendered to. They pushed me in directions I would not have gone otherwise, and taken on challenges I would never have believed I could conquer. The severing of certain relationships initially left me feeling rejected and discarded. I now realize those changes were nudges from the universe that in fact rescued me from emotionally unhealthy situations. I surrendered to a path being carved out for me, and with blind faith I let go of everything I’d ever known to follow it.
To this day I still look back at what I’ve done….and I give pause to the level of strength and bravery I somehow mustered up. But I didn't do it alone.
(Insert guardian angel here)
I sold a home I had lived in for 18 years. I packed up everything I owned by myself. I picked out a home in a state where I knew absolutely no-one. I coordinated the sale of one house to close escrow with the purchase of another, arranged a mover, an auto transport, and swapped out a California lifestyle to became an Idaho ‘spudster’. I drove nonstop for 20 hours in a truck packed to the limit with the essentials I needed at the new house to get me through the next four days until the movers arrived with my things. I even had 2 dogs in tow which meant stopping every 4 hours along the way, in the middle of nowhere, at all hours of the night, so they could pee. (Insert guardian angel here).
I had been up 36 hours straight before it was finally time to inflate the air mattress and put together a makeshift bed for the first night in my new home.
I woke up the next morning to snow on the ground and I also discovered the heater didn't work which explained why the house was 38 degrees. I made some coffee, fed the dogs and bundled up to walk through the house for the first time…alone. It didn't feel real. I kept asking myself.. ‘Did I really just do this?’ It was as if someone else had done everything to get me there, and I had just been along for the ride.
(Insert guardian angel here)
The finality of what I had just done was sinking in. There was panic, and fear, mixed in with a little excitement, and topped off with the realization of just how audacious this move was.
But every challenge was dealt with, and there always seemed to be the right person that would show up when I needed help. (Insert guardian angel here)
Three years later after having mastered snow blowers, boilers, mold infestation, jump starting cars in 2 feet of snow, and having traded in all my stilettos for snow boots and Converse…..I’m positioning myself for another leap of faith.
Choosing a life living a bit ‘off the grid’ has a whole new set of challenges. Learning to live with liquid propane, generators and having forestry responsibilities with ten acres of land is no small feat, especially when you are a girl, doing it alone. I’ll be dealing with eagles, and bobcats, and black bears, and of course moose, elk and deer. (Insert guardian angel here…pretty please.)
Right now, I have everything I could possibly need or want. I have a beautiful home with a beautiful view,, I’m close to everything I need, gorgeous neighborhood and I’m settled in with my new routines as I’ve learned to deal with 4 full seasons. There is actually an art to preparing for the seasons changing, and I have this house dialed in.
But then I asked myself if I was ‘done’. Is this it? And before I could answer the question …that voice answered for me………’No.…you’re not done’.
So I’m going to chase this next chapter that has started to unfold in front of me.
I don’t know how it's all going to end.
(Insert guardian angel here…yes I know ….again please.)
I’m going to acquiesce and fall with blind faith one more time.
So to my guardian angel…I am so grateful you have never left my side.
I thank you for all the ‘nudges’ that have guided me.
And I will continue to trust you with blind faith……because you always believed in me more than I believed in myself.
Sometimes its nice to take a pause and reflect on your blessings.
And a glance up to the heavens to thank your guardian angel never hurts..
But thats just my opinion. :)
